simmah down now

An update to the tantrum below, in the form of my reply to the great and magnificent Dark Side Lawyer's comment therein. Er, thereunder? Anyway, it works perfectly as a wee follow-up.

DSL:

"Sorry to hear you are having a tough go. Hang in there. If you want my unqualified advice, fuck meds and smoke pot. ;)"

CC:

"I felt better after spitting all that out, and this particular session in the angry chair has led to some thinking I'm tempted to characterize as revelatory. Do you know how much of my reality has actually been made up of a truckload of bogus assumptions and pre-fab notions? [Still!! Jesus!]

Anyway, I'm now immersed in the happy activity of tearing a bunch of total crap down and setting fire to it. I'm shaking things loose instead of cursing them and asking futile questions. And it did necessarily take me this long to get to this point. And I'm turning back toward myself instead of (metaphorically) avoiding (or throwing rocks at) mirrors. It's gonna take a minute, here, but better times are ahead for sure."

 

Thank you so much, my twitter peeps and other readers, for your kind well wishes. They count for probably more than you know. So very grateful.

This post is dedicated with love to @jasummerell.

Calling Dr. Bullshit

No. Listen. I'm not down for a long, drawn-out, baby-steps process ANYMORE. After giving variations on that path MORE than their fair shot, I am done. I am so fucking done. I am so tired of expanding my patience beyond its natural limit. I have gone ahead and asked for help, and with all due respect, if not maybe a few credits more, for how I've been answered, and with infinite reams of gratitude for the earnest efforts, I am not better. And in fact there are a couple key ways in which I've worsened.

II don't know exactly what else to say right now.

 

I I'm not spending months and months in this whole depression-meds game. Fuck this. Agreeing to try them at all was a mistake made in desperation. Still desperate, mind you, but done with that phase of it. What I was fucking thinking? I was not being true to myself or my principles or even my (vast, VAST) knowledge and understanding of how my depression 'works' when I agreed to try this.

I am having more trouble than ever remembering and keeping track of what is truly important in this life and my life than ever before. It's as if every day has been a further drift away. If I can't stop this, my life, with all that I am lucky enough to be capable of, will be seriously, sinfully and permanently wasted.

There is so much that I am NOT capable of, enough confusion, a dark enough murder of crows against my sky, that certainly getting to my right, healthy self all alone is probably impossible. It's not help itself that I'm suddenly refusing (though I hardly seem a charming or gracious enough character in this angry snit to attract any volunteers :P).

I don't know exactly what else to say right now.

 

If you are good at feeding an animal that might snap at you for your trouble, please send a kind thought to me, today. Somewhere in there, it will be deeply appreciated.