How To Be An Intolerable Interviewer

I like to be positive, so I contemplated scrapping this list and writing an earnest “How To Be a Stellar Interviewer”. I may go on to write that, but I’m still pretty irritated right now, so this stands.  Please indulge me; this morning I was pissed off listening to some idiot mangle an interview with one of my heroes. This list is not comprehensive and is leveled at that villain’s style in particular. When I write the positive version, I will be more thorough.

How To Be An Intolerable Interviewer:

1) Gasp, coo & say “Wow” at your subject’s every utterance. Be familiar with methods people use to  compensate for lack of genuine interest: clenching their smile, using ingratiating intonation, feigning thrill. Put a see-through veil over your arrogance, scan your subjects’ words instead of truly listening and nod your head with something approaching pity.

2) Interrupt your subject at nearly every turn. Palpably wish he’d keep his answers snappier. Goose-chase interest by pulling your subject in different directions and force him to backtrack if he’d like to complete his thought.

3) Assume your phraseology is superior and that your audience is an idiot; reiterate your subject’s answers ("In other words...") as if you were his only hope for coherence. Suppose that your purpose is to make your guest more interesting than he is on his own.

4) Place your own interests regarding your subject and his topic above that of the audience - and even that of your subject. Seem preoccupied with an aspect of his endeavor that has little or nothing to do with his larger passion.

5) Be vague. Be inarticulate. Ask “What’s [that] like?” (Fuck you. If you’re lost for a specific, well-put, thoughtful, intelligent question, please say, “Please talk about [that]”, or something comparable.)

Image credit: http://paulvargaradio.com

6) Don’t be well-prepared. Rather than bringing some excellent ideas to the table, bank on something in your subject’s current sentence prompting your next question. Meander in a loose, ill-directed & sloppy conversation rather than constructing a strong stage upon which your subject can shine.

7) Feign learning what you already know (“Ohh, you were born in Brussels? Wowww”) for any of the half-dozen misguided reasons you do that.

8) Use vaguely passive-aggressive word choice to liven things up with a pinch of defensiveness from your subject. Repeatedly put things in such a way that he’s stuck correcting you, thus sounding overly picky or sensitive.

9) Forget that this is about everything before you: your subject, the audience (professionals, fans, piqued bystanders who are interested in him and what he does), his thoughts, his personality, his point of view, his difficulties and solutions, his story. Forget that your job is to reliably and respectfully frame that picture, bind that book.